We’re Not That Dissimilar - Little Feelings Are Big Feelings Too
Children are allowed to be disappointed.
Parents are allowed to be disappointed.
Children are allowed to want things.
Parents are allowed to want things.
Children can be happy.
Parents can be happy.
Children can be sad.
Parents can be sad.
All this can happen at the same time and at different times. We’re people!
“I contain multitudes. I contain multitudes. I contain multitudes …” Walt Whitman echoes in my ear.
We humans are all so wonderful and simple yet complex and sophisticated. We’re entirely predictable and then a total mystery - we contain multitudes!
We’re people and our children are people too!
Emotional Regulation is quite the buzz phrase these days, and rightfully so!
How can I feel badly and not take it out on other people?!
How can I feel badly and know that I won’t always feel this way?!
How can I feel badly and feel these feelings rather than escape from them because feeling them is my best chance of processing them?!
EMOTIONAL REGULATION
The truth is that we will navigate situations and questions like these in one form or another throughout our entire lives - whether we like it or not.
Because we’re alive. We’re living and living means being and doing and being and doing means making mistakes. Messing up, falling down and then getting up and trying again.
So, yes, Emotional Regulation.
Emotions are feelings and feelings move through us at any given moment in response to certain stimuli. We don’t know when a feeling will come and go and that’s ok! It’s responding rather than reacting that matters and that’s where being and doing comes in.
We practice.
We practice and practice doesn’t mean acting perfectly every time. It means practicing. Trying. And when we mess up, we try again.
We try again.
Our children need this grace and this space too.
You’ve heard that our brains are developing until our 20s, and some studies suggest even our late 20s.
What does this mean?
It doesn't mean that children aren’t capable.
It doesn’t mean that children aren't worthy of honor and respect.
It doesn’t mean that their opinions or likes or dislikes matter any less than ours.
It means that children have less reliable access to the part of their brain where logical thinking and reasoning occurs.
For the sake of their survival, the animal part of their brains is more easily activated. They move into “flight of flight” responses more quickly out of instinct.
A child’s main job is survival. They survive through connection and thrive when the adults they’re connected to are able to reliably and consistently meet their needs.
What may feel like little upsets to adults can feel like life or death to children.
And children’s developing brains mean they have less control over their reactions.
Big upsets can be challenging for everyone.
It’s not a matter of whether they will be another big upset, it’s a matter of when.
So the next time you’re faced with a child who is truly having a hard time, know they’re struggling. They need your help.
Consider safety first and then offer grace and space and time.
When you’re upset or having a hard day, what helps you?
What support do you wish you had in moments like these as a child?
Little people are people just the same. We’re all learning and practicing together.
Can you be the calm in their storm?
Can you be the sage guide they need?
Yes, absolutely! You’ve got this.
-
Song of Myself, 51
Walt Whitman
1819 – 1892
The past and present wilt—I have fill'd them, emptied them.
And proceed to fill my next fold of the future.
Listener up there! what have you to confide to me?
Look in my face while I snuff the sidle of evening,
(Talk honestly, no one else hears you, and I stay only a minute longer.)
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
I concentrate toward them that are nigh, I wait on the door-slab.
Who has done his day's work? who will soonest be through with his supper?
Who wishes to walk with me?
Will you speak before I am gone? will you prove already too late?